Some days it takes so much effort to be functional – and other days I’m rocking through my to-do list. Yesterday was a high day, bouncing from one task to the next with full energy and clarity. Today? Not so much. Today has been more like muddling along, figuring out what needs done next, with long gaps in between while I try not to zone out. I have my old setup of tricks and tools to get me through it, so I’m still able to make progress, but it does make things slow.
On the other hand, it’s still not quite so bad as it was a month ago. The meds and the clarity brought by my recent trip are still holding. I feel like a zombie today, and I’m not getting as much done as I would like, but I still had the spoons to at least make some phone calls and arrange some tasks, so that’s something.
Broken can come in different ways, whether by a sudden smash or a slow slide into decay. In the end, though, the result is still the same – something is broken, and it takes a long time to rebuild. I know that my body didn’t crash overnight. It came from long years of chronic illness, mental health struggles, caregiver fatigue, and more. I also know that it’s quite likely that even rebuilding won’t make things the way they were ten years ago, with the same type of energy I had then. That’s okay, though. I don’t have to be the same – nor would I want to be, even. Growth is like that sometimes. I have hangups now that I didn’t then, but I also have tools and areas of strength that I didn’t have then, too.
I’ve long since stopped looking for good health. There comes a point in chronic illness when you realize that “good health” just can’t be a sustainable goal any more – that sometimes it’s that very goal that’s holding you back. Some call it giving up, but that’s not quite right. It’s recognizing that limitations happen for any number of reasons, and sometimes we have to learn to work with them, and that’s okay. If parenting a special needs child has taught me anything, it’s that long term disabilities don’t have to be an obstacle, and that “perfect health” doesn’t have to be the goal. There may come a day when I finally figure out the key to my own chronic illness, and either get a true diagnosis or even a treatment plan. Maybe I’ll be able to treat myself back into full health again.
That may or may not happen, but I do know I can’t count on it, and I can’t always be looking for it. I have to learn to work with what’s right in front of me, in the here and now, and how I can accomplish my goals using the tools I do have.
So today, it’s a lot of fog. But that’s okay, because progress is still happening. Even if progress sometimes looks like not getting anything done at all. 😉
Nat Writes the World 